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  • midlifelove 7:38 am on October 9, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: beautiful chick, Ben Gibbard, Beyonce, Christine Aguilera, hot chick, Jay-Z, Jordan Bratman, Julia Roberts, Lyle Lovett, Pamela Anderson, research on hot chicks and ugly guys, ugly guy, woody allen, Zooey Deschanel   

    Beautiful Chick – Ugly Guy 

    pamela andersonThey say opposites attract, but seeing a beautiful woman with an unattractive man never fails to attract comment. Think Christine Aguilera and Jordan Bratman; Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett; Jay-Z and Beyonce; Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson; Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, and the newly married Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard.

    While some of these couples – like Julia and Lyle – didn’t last long – others like Christine and Jordan appear to have the relationship game sussed.

    Christina recently gushed to E! News, “”Jordan just continuously…just makes me fall deeper and deeper in love with him every day. He just exudes such love…and [is] such a great father to Max (their toddler son) that it just makes me the happiest woman alive.”

    Positive Talk with Beautiful Wives

    Jordan keeps his woman happy by surprising her with balloons, leaving love notes, and maintaining a tradition known as Naked Sundays, where the couple spends the day totally naked.

    Massive amounts of pampering no doubt help Christine and Jordan bond, but the beauty gap may also have something to do with it.

    A 2008 study found that found that married couples communicate more positively when wives are more attractive than their husbands. (Conversely both spouses behaved more negatively when the husband was more attractive than the wife.)

    Previous research has shown that people seeks relationships with others who are judged to be attractive. The research wanted to see if the benefits of looking good lasted into marriage.

    Benefits of Looking Good

    The University of Florida study was an effort to answer the questions “are the benefits of attractiveness limited to formative stages of new relationships?”

    Researchers examined 82 couples in the first six months of their marriages. Spouses reported their marital satisfaction and were rated by trained observers regarding their levels of attractiveness and the positivity of the interactions with each other.

    Researchers found “both spouses tended to behave more positively when wives were more attractive than their husbands.” Both spouses behaved “more negatively when husbands were more attractive than their wives,” according to the study.

    “Certainly, physical attractiveness is not the only thing that matters to marriage,” says lead researcher Associate Professor James McNulty. “At a more general level, the study suggests that spouses will behave more positively when their partners meet the desires that are important to them.”

    As we said, Christine knows pampering – just feeling appreciated – certainly helps.


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  • midlifelove 2:04 am on June 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: breaking up, chemicals, chemistry of love, dante, , dr, ejaculation, evidence of beloved, , failed relationship, fisher, , helen, hippocampus, , , , nature, neurotropic, , self esteem, , , visualise, weight gain, woody allen   

    12 Practical Steps to Beat Love Addiction 

    breakup
    “Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.” – Woody Allen.

    If you’re lovesick, like Dante hankering after a dead Beatrice he’d only ever seen a few times in his life, you have two choices.  Hold onto the fantasy and bore your friends to death, or deal with it. Well make that three – if you’re a poet there’s a slim chance you can like Dante, turn it into great literature. For most of us though, getting on with building a happy productive life has got a lot going for it.

    The “reality check” approach is summed up by romantic love expert Dr Helen Fisher: “Someone is camping in your brain: you must throw the scoundrel out.”

    If you’re serious about “throwing the scoundrel out”, and moving on and ultimately finding new love, this 12 step guide, resourced from Dr Fisher’s book Why We Love, The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, is a great place to start.

    Allow yourself a couple of weeks of mooning around grieving. Indulge yourself with your loss if you have to. Play sad love songs and cry about how unfair it all is. Then pick yourself up and get started with the rest of your life:

    1)      Remove all evidence of the beloved. Don’t try and be friends for at least a couple of years. Throw out all cards and letters, or stuff them in a box and put them out of reach.  Don’t call or write under any circumstances. Depart immediately if you see your former lover in the street. Even the smallest contact can fire up your brain with romantic desire.

    2)      Develop positive affirmations about yourself and your future.  Frame up something that boosts your self esteem and projects your mind past the failed relationship and towards successful love.

    3)      Visualise a better time. Picture yourself walking arm in arm with someone who adores you and you cherish – the perfect partner. Make it up and make it good. When you can’t stop thinking about ‘him’ or ‘her,’ dwell on their negative traits. Write down their faults and carry the list in your purse or pocket.

    4)      Stay busy. Distract yourself. Call friends. Visit neighbours. Go somewhere to worship. Play games. Memorize poetry. Dance.  Sing.  Learn to draw. Get a dog or a cat or a bird. Take that vacation you have always thought about. Write out your plans for the future. Do anything that forces you to concentrate your attention, particularly on things you do well

    5)      Exercise. Jogging, biking, and other forms of strenuous physical activity will drive up the levels of dopamine, and elevate serotonin and endorphins, the calming brain neurochemicals. It also increases BDNF (brain-derived neurotropic factor) in the hippocampus, the memory centre, which protects and makes new nerve cells.

    6)      Get out in the sun. It stimulates the pineal gland, which regulates bodily rhythms in ways that elevate mood. Pick a daily activity you can do in sunlight, preferably out of doors.

    7)      Avoid sweets or drugs that you know will stress your mind and body.

    8)      Take one day at a time – a 12 Step program principle.  Just as the alcoholic decides not to have a drink “today” the rejected lover can decide not to contact their beloved “today.”

    9)      If you don’t want to slip, don’t go to slippery places. For the love addict that means don’t go to places you know you former lover is likely to be – the favourite bar, places that were special to you as a couple. Go somewhere new to shop or to get your exercise. Don’t play songs you used to share. Avoid “people, places and things” that trigger a desire for your ex.

    10)   Give it time. Often it takes more than two years of separation to free you from the chains of past love. Even with all your good new habits, removal of stimuli, new interests and new people, it will take time to heal.

    11)   Consider anti depressants if you are seriously depressed. The most common antidepressants are serotonin boosters – selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs.  They even help repair damage in the brain’s memory centre from prolonged stress, but they do have some negative side effects – weight gain, reduced libido, delayed sexual arousal, and inability to achieve erection, ejaculation or orgasm.  You might consider a dopamine enhancer instead. They are not as reliable in lifting suicidal depressions, but they work for many people and they do not produce weight gain or reduced sex drive – rather the opposite.

    12)   Find a new lover to drive out the old. By far the most effective cure for a bad romance is to find a new lover. As you fall in love again, you elevate levels of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain.

     
  • midlifelove 1:42 am on June 23, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , cocaine, , , , , , , , , , , , , , organ, , , , , , , , woody allen   

    Breaking Love Addiction 

    breaking love addiction

    He – or she – is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night. He’s – or she’s – your lover, your soul mate. You can read each other’s minds.  You are just meant for each other. It’s uncanny – almost a spiritual thing.

    That’s what you thought until little cracks started appearing in your dream of ‘together forever’. When he or she decided they weren’t that into you anymore and they departed, taking your heart/world/future with them.

    The ‘love of your life’ has walked out and you’re about to discover the dark side of romantic love. Of being devoured by unsatisfied desire – for as Plato said 2000 years ago “The God of Love lives in a state of need.”

    Love Like Cocaine

    That need is a dopamine-fuelled ‘high’ which brain imaging shows activates the reward/pleasure centres in the brain in ways very similar to cocaine and heroin.

    And that’s the first important key to getting over love sickness, says Dr Helen Fisher, an expert on romantic love. Understand it is an addiction and some of the principles of the addiction counselling – like 12 Step programs – are helpful in getting over it.

    Romantic love is associated with high levels of dopamine and probably also norepinephrine – brain substances that drive down serotonin.  And low levels of serotonin are associated with despair, and even suicide.

    If nothing else, hankering after “what-might-have-been” can waste years of your life. It also kills some people. When a love affair turns sour, the human brain is set up for depression, and perhaps, self annihilation… The Japanese even glorified “love suicide” as evidence of one’s devotion.

    Tricky Thinking

    The idea, says Dr Fisher, is to ‘trick your brain’ into producing dopamine in response to new stimuli.

    Despair from unrequited love will most likely also mean plummeting dopamine levels.  As you focus your attention and do novel things, you elevate this feel-good substance, boosting energy and hope. We can also utilise new research on brain functioning which shows we are wired to integrate thoughts and feelings. We can in other words, control our drive to love.

    Woody Allen (in Sleepers) quipped “My brain? It’s my second favourite organ” – and he isn’t alone.  In this “golden age of the brain” neuroscientists are gaining increased understanding of our decision-making processes – and what they are learning can help us take control of our thoughts and feelings. We are wired so we can choose to think before we act (the high road) or we can allow our emotions to dictate our actions (the low road).

    The love addiction can be conquered. It takes determination, time and some understanding of brain function and human nature. Says Dr Fisher:  “Someone is camping in your brain; you must throw the scoundrel out.”

    Foods to beat love addiction

    Many of the neurochemicals involved in sex and love – including dopamine, serotonin and testosterone – are affected by the stress of  severe loss. Divorce can add ten years to a man’s testosterone levels in just a few months. The good news is, the ‘chemicals of love’ can be boosted by eating the right foods – including cottage cheese, chicken, dark chocolate, yoghurt, eggs, and oats, or by herbal and nutritional supplements like Herbal Ignite. Visit http://www.herbalignite.com to find out more about.

     
    • Elvira Lind 9:54 am on October 13, 2009 Permalink | Reply

      DOCUMENTARY ON LOVE ADDICTION

      We are looking for people who would like to participate in a documentary on love addiction.

      If you are addicted to love, love becomes more of a struggle than something great and joyful.

      Love addiction can rule your life in a destructive way. As someone addicted to love, you ignore your own boundaries and needs, and your attempts to loving someone are seldom returned. Love addiction can lead to obsessive thinking, anxiety, despair and loneliness.

      With this film we would like to tell the world around us more about love addiction and help people understand. We hope you would like to help with your insights and experiences. There are many types and stages of love addiction, and we are interested in hearing about any one of them.

      We will be in the US in November and December 2009.

      Learn more: http://www.loveaddictiondoc.com

      Write us: loveaddiction@danishdocumentary.com

      Warm regards

      Elvira (research) and Pernille Rose (director)

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