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  • midlifelove 10:51 pm on July 10, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: boxing, david lieberman, direct approach, frustration attraction, hard to get, , human behaviour, love, phenomenon, pushover   

    Tip No 2 For Attracting Love 

    Hang Around Lots… but Then Be Unavailable
    flirtLanding your love means finding the right balance between being available and not being a “pushover”. That does not mean you should play “Hard to Get” however. This age-old advice is not supported by five academic studies, all of which found that this strategy does not work. Women are less impressed with this ploy than men, but even men don’t like it.

    A global study ‘Real People, Real Answers, Real Stories’ found that over 50% of men wouldn’t  approach a woman if there was no sign of interest from them and that fear of rejection was the main reason they wouldn’t approach. In reality most men would rather do twenty rounds in a boxing ring than risk being rejected by you.

    Romance expert Dr Helen Fisher says the only way playing hard to get works is to intensify feelings of romantic love, creating “frustration attraction” because the brain pathways associated with pleasure, energy, focus and motivation keep working when a reward is delayed.

    The secret is, you play “hard to get” with everyone except the object of your desire. . .

    I Have Eyes Only for You

    Scientists call this phenomenon ‘selective difficulty’. We’re attracted to people who play hard to get for everyone, except us, with 96% of men preferring the direct approach.

    The theory of ‘selective difficulty’ was tested using a version of online dating. Three women were given their online matches. One was keen to meet all of her dates, the second played hard to get and rejected all the men and the third showed interest in only one man. 100% of the male participants in the study preferred the woman that was only interested in them.

    Get to Know Him/Her

    The more you interact with someone, the more they’ll like you, says David Lieberman, a U.S. expert in human behaviour.

    Several studies show repeated exposure to practically any stimulus makes us like it more (the only time it doesn’t hold true is if our initial reaction to it is negative). So forget about being aloof, evasive, and unavailable in the beginning. Instead, find lots of excuses to spend time with him or her.

    Then just when you’re convinced you’ve won them over and they like you, start being a little less available. And then even less, until they hardly see you at all. You’ve now effectively instigated the “law of scarcity.” Be around and then not around and they’ll want and like you.

  • midlifelove 2:17 am on July 5, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: attraction, butterlies in stomach, , desire, ignite, love, love chemicals, , , sexual   

    The Laws of Attraction 

    candlelight dinner

    You’ve met a cute guy speed dating and you want to see more of him.

    You’ve a great friend who is in love with you but you just don’t reciprocate the feeling – and it would be perfect if you did.

    Can you jump start romance when you aren’t feeling any chemistry in the first few meetings?

    Can you prompt someone to be attracted to you by your behaviour?

    Luckily the last few decades of research into the science of sexual attraction has given lots of clues about how to get noticed by the man or woman of your desire – and how to turn up the temperature gauge on a slow-to-ignite relationship.

    ‘Tricking’ the Brain Into Love

    It seems you can “trick” the brain into falling in love, by following guidelines discovered from research into the science of attraction.

    There’s good scientific reasons why the “candlelit dinner” is so conducive to romance for example.

    It seems the key component of “bedroom eyes” – the look of desire – is enlarged pupils, a crucial element we respond to subconsciously.

    And while you can’t consciously control your pupils (one reason why people say the eyes don’t lie), you can create the right conditions to inspire large pupils and get the effect.

    Why Candlelight Fosters Romance

    First, reduce light. Our pupils expand when they’re robbed of it, one reason why candlelight and dimmer switches are de rigueur in romantic restaurants.

    It’s not just the softening of light that makes our faces appear more attractive, larger pupils also help.

    Scientists showed two sets of pictures of a woman’s face to men. The photograph was identical, except for one thing; the pupils in one set had been doctored to make them larger. When shown the doctored photograph, men judged the woman as twice more attractive than when shown the real photo. It was repeated with a man’s face and tested on women and gave the same result.

    Our pupils also enlarge when we look at something we like. Again, this can be proved using pictures.

    This time, researchers snuck a picture of a naked woman into a pile of otherwise bland, commonplace photographs then watched men’s pupil size when they flicked through them. Without exception, the men’s pupils expanded on cue.

    This means if you’re attracted to someone a lot, your pupils are probably already big, black holes. All good. To ensure this is happening or to up the effect of your bedroom eyes, focus on the part of the person you like the most. (On second thought, better make it the next best thing.)

    Triggering ‘Love Chemicals’

    Psychologists have discovered a range of behaviours that stimulate the production of “love chemicals” like dopamine and PEA – the chemicals which give us all the symptoms of love – sweaty palms, racing heart beat, and butterflies in the stomach.

    How to respond to approaches, the best “aphrodisiac” colour to wear, whether being readily available or playing hard to get works best – they’ve all been studied by behavioural scientists to find out what attracts and what repels in romance.

    Dealing with Low Libido

    Herbal supplements like Herbal Ignite have helped tens of thousands of couples to spice up their relationships. Find out more about Herbal Ignite here.

  • midlifelove 1:35 am on July 2, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: camilla, charles, chemistry.com, cuddle, diana, , edward VIII, emotional, fickle, gene pitney, , lies, love, neurochemical, , oxytoxin, romantic love, , samantha, sex in the city, shakespeare, wallis simpson   

    Lust, Love and the Science of Intimacy 

    “Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion.” Samantha
    in Sex in The City


    “It’s a very fickle situation, love,” Dr Helen Fisher, research professor and expert on romantic love

    Did you feel disappointed with Charles dissed Diana for Camilla? Are you still dreaming Brad and Jen will get back together?  And what was it with Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson that was worth giving up a throne for?

    Whether these famous lovers were in love, in lust, affectionate attachment or a mix and match of all three, it seems it’s true as Shakespeare and Gene Pitney agree; “true love never runs smooth.”

    The Three Faces of Love

    That’s because – according to brain imaging research over the last decade – Mother Nature has set up three distinct but complementary emotion-motivation systems in the brain for mating, reproduction and parenting, each one driven by different brain chemicals and hormones.

    Dr Helen Fisher, an expert on the chemistry of love, says if you’re in a relationship it’s likely you’ll be in one of three stages of love, reflecting the dominant neurochemical at work.  You can be in lust, ‘in love’ or in romantic attachment – or a mix of all three mating states – either with the same person or several people at the same time.


    If you’re in lust your sex drive or libido is in top gear, driven by estrogens and androgens. Nature’s purpose? To motivate you to locate any appropriate mating partner.

    In Love

    Accelerate to the starry-eyed stage of romantic attraction – also called or infatuation, or limerance – fuelled by increased levels of dopamine and norepinephrine – and you’re fixating on a specific partner. Your chemistry is telling you he or she is “the one”, conserving mating time and energy, and forming bonds which will last long enough (hopefully) to carry you into shared parenthood.


    Fast forward about 18 months (on average) and you’re either going cold on the whole thing or moving into attachment – also called companionate love. Your body has exhausted the dopamine, and the mad buzz of first love has slowed a little.

    Warmed by the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin, you’ll be engaged nesting, mutual territory defence, feeding and grooming, sharing feelings of calm, security, social comfort and emotional union.  Nature’s focus, says Dr Fisher, is to “enable you to tolerate this person, at least long enough to raise a child as a team.”

    Charles and Diana, Brad and Jen

    So could Charles and Brad feel companionate love for Diana and Jen while lusting after Camilla and Angelina? Can Diana love Charles at the same time as she is conducting an affair with James Gilbey?  In theory, absolutely, says Dr Fisher. The science of intimacy can be a very complicated thing – or to put it in another way – the neurochemical pathways of our driven nature often overlap.

    “I think that these brain systems are big mix-and-match systems,” says the Rutgers University prof, who is scientific adviser on matchmaking site Chemistry.com

    That’s how it’s possible to “swing easily from one to the other, even lie in bed and feel deep attachment to one person and feel madly in love with someone else. It’s a very fickle situation, love.”

  • midlifelove 2:04 am on June 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: breaking up, chemicals, chemistry of love, dante, , dr, ejaculation, evidence of beloved, , failed relationship, fisher, , helen, hippocampus, , love, , nature, neurotropic, , self esteem, , , visualise, weight gain,   

    12 Practical Steps to Beat Love Addiction 

    “Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.” – Woody Allen.

    If you’re lovesick, like Dante hankering after a dead Beatrice he’d only ever seen a few times in his life, you have two choices.  Hold onto the fantasy and bore your friends to death, or deal with it. Well make that three – if you’re a poet there’s a slim chance you can like Dante, turn it into great literature. For most of us though, getting on with building a happy productive life has got a lot going for it.

    The “reality check” approach is summed up by romantic love expert Dr Helen Fisher: “Someone is camping in your brain: you must throw the scoundrel out.”

    If you’re serious about “throwing the scoundrel out”, and moving on and ultimately finding new love, this 12 step guide, resourced from Dr Fisher’s book Why We Love, The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, is a great place to start.

    Allow yourself a couple of weeks of mooning around grieving. Indulge yourself with your loss if you have to. Play sad love songs and cry about how unfair it all is. Then pick yourself up and get started with the rest of your life:

    1)      Remove all evidence of the beloved. Don’t try and be friends for at least a couple of years. Throw out all cards and letters, or stuff them in a box and put them out of reach.  Don’t call or write under any circumstances. Depart immediately if you see your former lover in the street. Even the smallest contact can fire up your brain with romantic desire.

    2)      Develop positive affirmations about yourself and your future.  Frame up something that boosts your self esteem and projects your mind past the failed relationship and towards successful love.

    3)      Visualise a better time. Picture yourself walking arm in arm with someone who adores you and you cherish – the perfect partner. Make it up and make it good. When you can’t stop thinking about ‘him’ or ‘her,’ dwell on their negative traits. Write down their faults and carry the list in your purse or pocket.

    4)      Stay busy. Distract yourself. Call friends. Visit neighbours. Go somewhere to worship. Play games. Memorize poetry. Dance.  Sing.  Learn to draw. Get a dog or a cat or a bird. Take that vacation you have always thought about. Write out your plans for the future. Do anything that forces you to concentrate your attention, particularly on things you do well

    5)      Exercise. Jogging, biking, and other forms of strenuous physical activity will drive up the levels of dopamine, and elevate serotonin and endorphins, the calming brain neurochemicals. It also increases BDNF (brain-derived neurotropic factor) in the hippocampus, the memory centre, which protects and makes new nerve cells.

    6)      Get out in the sun. It stimulates the pineal gland, which regulates bodily rhythms in ways that elevate mood. Pick a daily activity you can do in sunlight, preferably out of doors.

    7)      Avoid sweets or drugs that you know will stress your mind and body.

    8)      Take one day at a time – a 12 Step program principle.  Just as the alcoholic decides not to have a drink “today” the rejected lover can decide not to contact their beloved “today.”

    9)      If you don’t want to slip, don’t go to slippery places. For the love addict that means don’t go to places you know you former lover is likely to be – the favourite bar, places that were special to you as a couple. Go somewhere new to shop or to get your exercise. Don’t play songs you used to share. Avoid “people, places and things” that trigger a desire for your ex.

    10)   Give it time. Often it takes more than two years of separation to free you from the chains of past love. Even with all your good new habits, removal of stimuli, new interests and new people, it will take time to heal.

    11)   Consider anti depressants if you are seriously depressed. The most common antidepressants are serotonin boosters – selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs.  They even help repair damage in the brain’s memory centre from prolonged stress, but they do have some negative side effects – weight gain, reduced libido, delayed sexual arousal, and inability to achieve erection, ejaculation or orgasm.  You might consider a dopamine enhancer instead. They are not as reliable in lifting suicidal depressions, but they work for many people and they do not produce weight gain or reduced sex drive – rather the opposite.

    12)   Find a new lover to drive out the old. By far the most effective cure for a bad romance is to find a new lover. As you fall in love again, you elevate levels of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain.

  • midlifelove 3:05 am on June 4, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , intimacy, libido loss, love, patricia love, , , , sexual issues, sexual needs, wedding promise   

    Warm Love, Cold Sex 

    When Love is Warm but Sex is Cold

    You still love each other, but you just don’t want to “do it” any more. “Till death us do part” may be the  age-old wedding-day promise, but the sad reality is that within four years of couples setting up house together, more than half will be dealing with the ‘death’ of their active sex lives.

    Once the “hormone high” of romantic love has helped a couple to bond, it’s often a slow fade according to new research showing secure relationships kill off a woman’s sex drive, with even young women affected by libido loss.

    Women who were ‘hot to trot’ when love was new – with 60% wanting sex “often” – were decidedly lukewarm four years on, with less than half of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex.

    After 20 years, interest in regular sex had plummeted further, with only 20% of 50-year-old women interested. Their men, in contrast, remained at a constant simmer, with 60 to 80% wanting regular sex over the same time period.

    It’s a sexual disconnect that can lead to recriminations and rejection. He feels he’s been “tricked” by a woman who seemed to want him and then went cold. She thinks he worked at turning her on until he had “caught” her and now he doesn’t bother about her needs any more.

    Both start looking for alternatives, and soon the romantic merry-go-round begins all over again. The great news is, it doesn’t have to be like that. A cold bed isn’t the inevitable outcome.

    Sex therapists like Bettina Arndt (The Sex Diaries, 2009) and love educator Dr Patricia Love (The Truth About Love, Simon and Schuster, 2001) advocate a range of strategies for keeping love alive once the hot glow of hormone heaven has cooled.

    sexy legs

    1) Just do It

    It’s unfair to be in a relationship and not engage in sexual activity, if that’s what your partner wants, Dr. Love says. “To say ‘I won’t be sexual with you, and you’d better not go get it somewhere else either’ is a non-relational way of addressing sexual issues”.

    Say “Yes” more often, says Bettina: “Once the canoe is in the water, everyone starts happily paddling. For couples to experience regular, pleasurable sex and sustain loving relationships women must get over that ideological roadblock of assumptions about desire and ‘just do it’. The result will be both men and women will enjoy more, better sex.”

    2) Make Sex a Priority

    Don’t leave a love date to chance. Agree to find a regular time for  intimacy and it will take the pressure off the rest of your time together.

    3) Understand low desire is often no reflection on your relationship.

    Both men’s and women’s sex drives have normal highs and lows. It is natural for relationships to pass through predictable “ups and downs”, which many couples mistake for “the end of love”. Persevere and choose to discover more about your own needs and those of your partner.

    4) Communicate your sexual needs

    It’s not reasonable to expect your partner to automatically know what will turn you on, or how you are feeling. Make a pact to listen to one another, and be brave enough to be open and honest.

    5) Accept the differences between you and your partner.

    There’s an old quip: “Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.” Partners often think their marriage would be great if only the other person would change. But often they are just attempting to close the gap on the inherent differences that define each person- differences that were not obvious or that they overlooked early in the relationship when “love was blind” – or veiled by hormones. Such futile efforts (trying to change the unchangeable) merely work to build resentments and break apart intimacy.

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