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  • midlifelove 11:17 am on August 4, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , Halley's Comet, , libido, , , , womens libido   

    No Sex Please – We’re Married 

    no sexMany Australian men “love their partners but are permanently sexually frustrated”, believing their wives use sex to leverage power.

    That’s the conclusion drawn by Sydney adman Nigel Marsh, based on hundreds of letters he received – 700 in all – in response to his best-selling tell-all take on mid-life manhood, Fat, Forty and Fired, (Piatkus Books).

    The men who wrote to Nigel told him their wives never initiate sex. Instead, as one said, they ‘dispense’ sex. They appear to be to want to get away with as little sex as they possibly can, the husbands believed.

    “Halley’s Comet comes round more often than the circumstances being right,” says one husband quoted in Marsh’s latest book, Overworked & Underlaid, a seriously funny Guide to Life. (Allen and Unwin).

    Wives ‘Don’t Care Enough’

    The men believed their wives know their husbands aren’t satisfied with boring, grudgingly dispensed sex once every three weeks, but they’d rather not talk about it, says Marsh.

    “They know these men aren’t going to be unfaithful, so actually there is no real pressing need to do anything about it. They can just live in a permanent state of dissatisfaction…

    In summary, these men believe their wives simply don’t care enough.

    Simple Solution – Bonk More

    People are at a loss what to do, suggests Nigel Marsh, who is now Group CEO for Y&R Brands ANZ, but he’s come up with a radical suggestion “based on hundred of interviews. It’s something I’ve never seen fail. And it’s free.

    “It’s also simple to implement.

    “Bonk him more.

    “That’s it. Bonk him more.

    “Plan for there to be just a few extra ‘special cuddles’ in your life.

    “No, don’t try to arrange circumstances so you’ll want it more often – you won’t.

    “Equally, don’t try and arrange circumstances so he’ll want it less – he won’t. Just make the decision to bonk him more. Regularly.

    Sex Once a Week

    “I’m talking about, let’s say, having sex once a week. We seem to live in a society where it’s an unspeakable thought to suggest that a woman have sex with her partner when she doesn’t want to.

    “Doesn’t being part of a loving couple mean prioritising your partner’s sexual satisfaction?

    “I’ve talked to many women who’ve tried the ‘have more sex’ approach. Without exception, they’ve told me their relationship improved out of sight. They didn’t feel like prostitutes or doormats either. They just felt happier in themselves and happier as a couple.

    “It didn’t mean the other issues of their relationship went away – what it did mean was that those issues were discussed and dealt without sex being a complicating factor.

    The ‘Sex After Kids’ Thing

    It’s as if there are four levels to this whole ‘sex after kids’ thing, suggests Marsh, who was also one of the founders of the global initiative Earth Hour.

    “The first level is to simply stop having it. This is not as uncommon as you might think.

    “The second is to have it irregularly in a way that makes both partie4s feel bitter, resentful and miserable. Again, this level includes a tragically vast number.

    “The third level is for the woman to lovingly accommodate her man’s needs.  – An improvement but still not the ultimate answer.

    “The fourth is for a couple to engage in intimacy that provides physical and emotional satisfaction for both of them. That doesn’t mean shared orgasms every night. It means getting to the stage where is someone said to a couple they could not longer have sex with each other, they would both miss it.

    Getting to level four takes work that might involve disappointments, frustrations and setbacks. But promises Nigel Marsh, it will provide “a sensationally, positively, absolutely gobsmackingly wonderful return on a minimal investment.”

    Enhancing Sex for Men and Women

    If you’re feeling more dead than alive on the sexual front, don’t put off facing up to the premature demise of your love life. Help is available in a range of therapeutic treatments, from pharmaceuticals like Viagra and Cialis to natural herbal supplements like Herbal Ignite (www.herbalignite.com) which boost both performance and libido. Herbal Ignite helps with male sexual performance and improves women’s libido, so it’s a two-for-one deal.

  • midlifelove 3:13 am on June 29, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , euphemism, expression, fun, joan sewell, libido, make love, , quickies, , , sex therapy, sexuality, sexy lingerie, spiritual act, unwanted sex   

    I would rather eat chocolate!! 

    eating chocolateYou’re married or in a long term relationship, enjoying mutually satisfying intimate relations.  When you and your partner are together do you “make love” or are you “having sex”? Do you care what you call it?

    Author Joan Sewell does.  In her witty personal memoir I’d Rather Eat Chocolate (Broadway Books New York) in which she devotes 200 pages to justifying her low libido, she reckons “making love” is a term used to pressure women to have “unwanted sex” with their husbands. It’s a term used to “convince women that what they are doing each and every time they have sex is a loving thing for him…

    ‘Good Book’ Better Than Sex

    What “started out as a polite euphemism for having sex” is now taken literally, she says.  “And I am not convinced that sex is primarily, or even usually, an expression of love.”

    Joan claims a lot of women experience the same disinterest she does in having sex. “If I had a choice between reading a good book and having sex, the book wins. My boyfriend – the man I would eventually marry – would take even bad sex over a good book.”

    As for “making love” – well she says the term “went out of style in the 60s and 70s when how-to-sex books favoured a more straightforward rendering of sexuality.”

    Guilt Trip for Low Libido Women

    Now she says the “pro-family traditionalists have sided with the skin peddlers and feminists hoping to tug my sexuality in a more lustful direction to sell their products, save my marriage or make their point.

    “The sexperts would have us assume that after men get into a committed relationship, sex undergoes a magical transformation in men’s minds, from a drive that causes them to pant after women in bars and nightclubs looking to get laid, into a beautiful expression of emotional regard.

    “But if men did think of sex as love, we wouldn’t have to worry about men getting bored sexually in marriage. Can a man get tired of expressing love for his dear wife?”

    Noone could accuse Joan of not being willing to try hard at being sexy for Kip, her patient spouse.

    What Joan and Her Husband Tried That Didn’t Work

    • Sex therapy.
    • Giving sex as a gift.
    • Thinking of sex as a spiritual act.
    • Thinking naughty thoughts.
    • Simulating lust.
    • Having quickies.
    • Wearing sexy lingerie.
    • Being spontaneous.
    • Faking it.
    • Trying for better orgasms.
    • Having a platonic relationship.
    • The results? “We went from  sex once a week, to once every two weeks, to less than once a month and less . . .

    What Finally Worked for Joan and Her Husband

    • Giving her total control over their sex life.
    • Not worrying about orgasms.
    • Agreeing to stop when she wanted.
    • Scheduled regular date nights.
    • Honest communication about their sexual desires.
    • Joan: “Having a positive attitude toward sex was key to my success… I mean that when sex was no longer a chore, I could approach it positively, without dread. . . It was very freeing and very fun.”

    Herbs for Low Libido

    Tribulus Terrestris.

    Tribulus terrestris supports sex drive, ovulation and sexual reproduction functions through supporting healthy levels of Follicle Stimulating Hormone.


    In recent studies, a daily dose of Horny Goat Weed helped by supporting blood circulation to the sex organs
    •    Women benefit from the increased blood flow to sexual organs – assisting orgasm.
    •    Epimedium also seems to heighten the sensitivity of nerve endings in the skin, which would also indirectly reinforce sexual stimulation.

    Avena Sativa

    Modern studies at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality have shown that avena sativa aids sexual arousal.

    DSC_0230 - CopyHerbal Ignite (www.herbalignite.com)

    Herbal Ignite contains a unique formulation of the above mentioned herbs. Herbal Ignite’s special formula has helped many women and men with sexual arousal and an improved sense of well being with minimal unwanted side effects. You can discover the benefits of Herbal Ignite for a normal sex life.

  • midlifelove 2:04 am on June 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: breaking up, chemicals, chemistry of love, dante, , dr, ejaculation, evidence of beloved, , failed relationship, fisher, , helen, hippocampus, libido, , , nature, neurotropic, , self esteem, , , visualise, weight gain,   

    12 Practical Steps to Beat Love Addiction 

    “Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.” – Woody Allen.

    If you’re lovesick, like Dante hankering after a dead Beatrice he’d only ever seen a few times in his life, you have two choices.  Hold onto the fantasy and bore your friends to death, or deal with it. Well make that three – if you’re a poet there’s a slim chance you can like Dante, turn it into great literature. For most of us though, getting on with building a happy productive life has got a lot going for it.

    The “reality check” approach is summed up by romantic love expert Dr Helen Fisher: “Someone is camping in your brain: you must throw the scoundrel out.”

    If you’re serious about “throwing the scoundrel out”, and moving on and ultimately finding new love, this 12 step guide, resourced from Dr Fisher’s book Why We Love, The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, is a great place to start.

    Allow yourself a couple of weeks of mooning around grieving. Indulge yourself with your loss if you have to. Play sad love songs and cry about how unfair it all is. Then pick yourself up and get started with the rest of your life:

    1)      Remove all evidence of the beloved. Don’t try and be friends for at least a couple of years. Throw out all cards and letters, or stuff them in a box and put them out of reach.  Don’t call or write under any circumstances. Depart immediately if you see your former lover in the street. Even the smallest contact can fire up your brain with romantic desire.

    2)      Develop positive affirmations about yourself and your future.  Frame up something that boosts your self esteem and projects your mind past the failed relationship and towards successful love.

    3)      Visualise a better time. Picture yourself walking arm in arm with someone who adores you and you cherish – the perfect partner. Make it up and make it good. When you can’t stop thinking about ‘him’ or ‘her,’ dwell on their negative traits. Write down their faults and carry the list in your purse or pocket.

    4)      Stay busy. Distract yourself. Call friends. Visit neighbours. Go somewhere to worship. Play games. Memorize poetry. Dance.  Sing.  Learn to draw. Get a dog or a cat or a bird. Take that vacation you have always thought about. Write out your plans for the future. Do anything that forces you to concentrate your attention, particularly on things you do well

    5)      Exercise. Jogging, biking, and other forms of strenuous physical activity will drive up the levels of dopamine, and elevate serotonin and endorphins, the calming brain neurochemicals. It also increases BDNF (brain-derived neurotropic factor) in the hippocampus, the memory centre, which protects and makes new nerve cells.

    6)      Get out in the sun. It stimulates the pineal gland, which regulates bodily rhythms in ways that elevate mood. Pick a daily activity you can do in sunlight, preferably out of doors.

    7)      Avoid sweets or drugs that you know will stress your mind and body.

    8)      Take one day at a time – a 12 Step program principle.  Just as the alcoholic decides not to have a drink “today” the rejected lover can decide not to contact their beloved “today.”

    9)      If you don’t want to slip, don’t go to slippery places. For the love addict that means don’t go to places you know you former lover is likely to be – the favourite bar, places that were special to you as a couple. Go somewhere new to shop or to get your exercise. Don’t play songs you used to share. Avoid “people, places and things” that trigger a desire for your ex.

    10)   Give it time. Often it takes more than two years of separation to free you from the chains of past love. Even with all your good new habits, removal of stimuli, new interests and new people, it will take time to heal.

    11)   Consider anti depressants if you are seriously depressed. The most common antidepressants are serotonin boosters – selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs.  They even help repair damage in the brain’s memory centre from prolonged stress, but they do have some negative side effects – weight gain, reduced libido, delayed sexual arousal, and inability to achieve erection, ejaculation or orgasm.  You might consider a dopamine enhancer instead. They are not as reliable in lifting suicidal depressions, but they work for many people and they do not produce weight gain or reduced sex drive – rather the opposite.

    12)   Find a new lover to drive out the old. By far the most effective cure for a bad romance is to find a new lover. As you fall in love again, you elevate levels of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain.

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