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  • midlifelove 3:13 am on June 29, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , euphemism, expression, fun, joan sewell, , make love, , quickies, , , sex therapy, sexuality, sexy lingerie, spiritual act, unwanted sex   

    I would rather eat chocolate!! 

    eating chocolateYou’re married or in a long term relationship, enjoying mutually satisfying intimate relations.  When you and your partner are together do you “make love” or are you “having sex”? Do you care what you call it?

    Author Joan Sewell does.  In her witty personal memoir I’d Rather Eat Chocolate (Broadway Books New York) in which she devotes 200 pages to justifying her low libido, she reckons “making love” is a term used to pressure women to have “unwanted sex” with their husbands. It’s a term used to “convince women that what they are doing each and every time they have sex is a loving thing for him…

    ‘Good Book’ Better Than Sex

    What “started out as a polite euphemism for having sex” is now taken literally, she says.  “And I am not convinced that sex is primarily, or even usually, an expression of love.”

    Joan claims a lot of women experience the same disinterest she does in having sex. “If I had a choice between reading a good book and having sex, the book wins. My boyfriend – the man I would eventually marry – would take even bad sex over a good book.”

    As for “making love” – well she says the term “went out of style in the 60s and 70s when how-to-sex books favoured a more straightforward rendering of sexuality.”

    Guilt Trip for Low Libido Women

    Now she says the “pro-family traditionalists have sided with the skin peddlers and feminists hoping to tug my sexuality in a more lustful direction to sell their products, save my marriage or make their point.

    “The sexperts would have us assume that after men get into a committed relationship, sex undergoes a magical transformation in men’s minds, from a drive that causes them to pant after women in bars and nightclubs looking to get laid, into a beautiful expression of emotional regard.

    “But if men did think of sex as love, we wouldn’t have to worry about men getting bored sexually in marriage. Can a man get tired of expressing love for his dear wife?”

    Noone could accuse Joan of not being willing to try hard at being sexy for Kip, her patient spouse.

    What Joan and Her Husband Tried That Didn’t Work

    • Sex therapy.
    • Giving sex as a gift.
    • Thinking of sex as a spiritual act.
    • Thinking naughty thoughts.
    • Simulating lust.
    • Having quickies.
    • Wearing sexy lingerie.
    • Being spontaneous.
    • Faking it.
    • Trying for better orgasms.
    • Having a platonic relationship.
    • The results? “We went from  sex once a week, to once every two weeks, to less than once a month and less . . .

    What Finally Worked for Joan and Her Husband

    • Giving her total control over their sex life.
    • Not worrying about orgasms.
    • Agreeing to stop when she wanted.
    • Scheduled regular date nights.
    • Honest communication about their sexual desires.
    • Joan: “Having a positive attitude toward sex was key to my success… I mean that when sex was no longer a chore, I could approach it positively, without dread. . . It was very freeing and very fun.”

    Herbs for Low Libido

    Tribulus Terrestris.

    Tribulus terrestris supports sex drive, ovulation and sexual reproduction functions through supporting healthy levels of Follicle Stimulating Hormone.


    In recent studies, a daily dose of Horny Goat Weed helped by supporting blood circulation to the sex organs
    •    Women benefit from the increased blood flow to sexual organs – assisting orgasm.
    •    Epimedium also seems to heighten the sensitivity of nerve endings in the skin, which would also indirectly reinforce sexual stimulation.

    Avena Sativa

    Modern studies at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality have shown that avena sativa aids sexual arousal.

    DSC_0230 - CopyHerbal Ignite (www.herbalignite.com)

    Herbal Ignite contains a unique formulation of the above mentioned herbs. Herbal Ignite’s special formula has helped many women and men with sexual arousal and an improved sense of well being with minimal unwanted side effects. You can discover the benefits of Herbal Ignite for a normal sex life.

  • midlifelove 2:04 am on June 26, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: breaking up, chemicals, chemistry of love, dante, , dr, ejaculation, evidence of beloved, , failed relationship, fisher, , helen, hippocampus, , , , nature, neurotropic, , self esteem, , , visualise, weight gain,   

    12 Practical Steps to Beat Love Addiction 

    “Oh, now there’s only one kind of love that lasts. That’s unrequited love. It stays with you forever.” – Woody Allen.

    If you’re lovesick, like Dante hankering after a dead Beatrice he’d only ever seen a few times in his life, you have two choices.  Hold onto the fantasy and bore your friends to death, or deal with it. Well make that three – if you’re a poet there’s a slim chance you can like Dante, turn it into great literature. For most of us though, getting on with building a happy productive life has got a lot going for it.

    The “reality check” approach is summed up by romantic love expert Dr Helen Fisher: “Someone is camping in your brain: you must throw the scoundrel out.”

    If you’re serious about “throwing the scoundrel out”, and moving on and ultimately finding new love, this 12 step guide, resourced from Dr Fisher’s book Why We Love, The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, is a great place to start.

    Allow yourself a couple of weeks of mooning around grieving. Indulge yourself with your loss if you have to. Play sad love songs and cry about how unfair it all is. Then pick yourself up and get started with the rest of your life:

    1)      Remove all evidence of the beloved. Don’t try and be friends for at least a couple of years. Throw out all cards and letters, or stuff them in a box and put them out of reach.  Don’t call or write under any circumstances. Depart immediately if you see your former lover in the street. Even the smallest contact can fire up your brain with romantic desire.

    2)      Develop positive affirmations about yourself and your future.  Frame up something that boosts your self esteem and projects your mind past the failed relationship and towards successful love.

    3)      Visualise a better time. Picture yourself walking arm in arm with someone who adores you and you cherish – the perfect partner. Make it up and make it good. When you can’t stop thinking about ‘him’ or ‘her,’ dwell on their negative traits. Write down their faults and carry the list in your purse or pocket.

    4)      Stay busy. Distract yourself. Call friends. Visit neighbours. Go somewhere to worship. Play games. Memorize poetry. Dance.  Sing.  Learn to draw. Get a dog or a cat or a bird. Take that vacation you have always thought about. Write out your plans for the future. Do anything that forces you to concentrate your attention, particularly on things you do well

    5)      Exercise. Jogging, biking, and other forms of strenuous physical activity will drive up the levels of dopamine, and elevate serotonin and endorphins, the calming brain neurochemicals. It also increases BDNF (brain-derived neurotropic factor) in the hippocampus, the memory centre, which protects and makes new nerve cells.

    6)      Get out in the sun. It stimulates the pineal gland, which regulates bodily rhythms in ways that elevate mood. Pick a daily activity you can do in sunlight, preferably out of doors.

    7)      Avoid sweets or drugs that you know will stress your mind and body.

    8)      Take one day at a time – a 12 Step program principle.  Just as the alcoholic decides not to have a drink “today” the rejected lover can decide not to contact their beloved “today.”

    9)      If you don’t want to slip, don’t go to slippery places. For the love addict that means don’t go to places you know you former lover is likely to be – the favourite bar, places that were special to you as a couple. Go somewhere new to shop or to get your exercise. Don’t play songs you used to share. Avoid “people, places and things” that trigger a desire for your ex.

    10)   Give it time. Often it takes more than two years of separation to free you from the chains of past love. Even with all your good new habits, removal of stimuli, new interests and new people, it will take time to heal.

    11)   Consider anti depressants if you are seriously depressed. The most common antidepressants are serotonin boosters – selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs.  They even help repair damage in the brain’s memory centre from prolonged stress, but they do have some negative side effects – weight gain, reduced libido, delayed sexual arousal, and inability to achieve erection, ejaculation or orgasm.  You might consider a dopamine enhancer instead. They are not as reliable in lifting suicidal depressions, but they work for many people and they do not produce weight gain or reduced sex drive – rather the opposite.

    12)   Find a new lover to drive out the old. By far the most effective cure for a bad romance is to find a new lover. As you fall in love again, you elevate levels of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain.

  • midlifelove 4:29 am on June 24, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: appetite, chills, choric medical, cough, , headache, muscles, seasonal flu, sneezing, , , throat, tiredness   

    12 Symptoms of Swine Flu 

    swine flu sym copy

    The symptoms of swine flu are broadly the same as those of ordinary flu, but may be more severe and cause more serious complications.

    What are the signs and symptoms of swine flu in people?
    The symptoms of swine flu in people are similar to the symptoms of regular human flu. Like seasonal flu, swine flu may cause a worsening of underlying chronic medical conditions.

    The typical symptoms are:

    • sudden fever
    • sudden cough

    Other symptoms may include:

    • headache
    • tiredness
    • chills
    • aching muscles
    • limb or joint pain
    • diarrhoea or stomach upset
    • sore throat
    • runny nose
    • sneezing
    • loss of appetite
  • midlifelove 1:42 am on June 23, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , cocaine, , , , , , , , , , , , , , organ, , , , , , , ,   

    Breaking Love Addiction 

    breaking love addiction

    He – or she – is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night. He’s – or she’s – your lover, your soul mate. You can read each other’s minds.  You are just meant for each other. It’s uncanny – almost a spiritual thing.

    That’s what you thought until little cracks started appearing in your dream of ‘together forever’. When he or she decided they weren’t that into you anymore and they departed, taking your heart/world/future with them.

    The ‘love of your life’ has walked out and you’re about to discover the dark side of romantic love. Of being devoured by unsatisfied desire – for as Plato said 2000 years ago “The God of Love lives in a state of need.”

    Love Like Cocaine

    That need is a dopamine-fuelled ‘high’ which brain imaging shows activates the reward/pleasure centres in the brain in ways very similar to cocaine and heroin.

    And that’s the first important key to getting over love sickness, says Dr Helen Fisher, an expert on romantic love. Understand it is an addiction and some of the principles of the addiction counselling – like 12 Step programs – are helpful in getting over it.

    Romantic love is associated with high levels of dopamine and probably also norepinephrine – brain substances that drive down serotonin.  And low levels of serotonin are associated with despair, and even suicide.

    If nothing else, hankering after “what-might-have-been” can waste years of your life. It also kills some people. When a love affair turns sour, the human brain is set up for depression, and perhaps, self annihilation… The Japanese even glorified “love suicide” as evidence of one’s devotion.

    Tricky Thinking

    The idea, says Dr Fisher, is to ‘trick your brain’ into producing dopamine in response to new stimuli.

    Despair from unrequited love will most likely also mean plummeting dopamine levels.  As you focus your attention and do novel things, you elevate this feel-good substance, boosting energy and hope. We can also utilise new research on brain functioning which shows we are wired to integrate thoughts and feelings. We can in other words, control our drive to love.

    Woody Allen (in Sleepers) quipped “My brain? It’s my second favourite organ” – and he isn’t alone.  In this “golden age of the brain” neuroscientists are gaining increased understanding of our decision-making processes – and what they are learning can help us take control of our thoughts and feelings. We are wired so we can choose to think before we act (the high road) or we can allow our emotions to dictate our actions (the low road).

    The love addiction can be conquered. It takes determination, time and some understanding of brain function and human nature. Says Dr Fisher:  “Someone is camping in your brain; you must throw the scoundrel out.”

    Foods to beat love addiction

    Many of the neurochemicals involved in sex and love – including dopamine, serotonin and testosterone – are affected by the stress of  severe loss. Divorce can add ten years to a man’s testosterone levels in just a few months. The good news is, the ‘chemicals of love’ can be boosted by eating the right foods – including cottage cheese, chicken, dark chocolate, yoghurt, eggs, and oats, or by herbal and nutritional supplements like Herbal Ignite. Visit http://www.herbalignite.com to find out more about.

    • Elvira Lind 9:54 am on October 13, 2009 Permalink | Reply


      We are looking for people who would like to participate in a documentary on love addiction.

      If you are addicted to love, love becomes more of a struggle than something great and joyful.

      Love addiction can rule your life in a destructive way. As someone addicted to love, you ignore your own boundaries and needs, and your attempts to loving someone are seldom returned. Love addiction can lead to obsessive thinking, anxiety, despair and loneliness.

      With this film we would like to tell the world around us more about love addiction and help people understand. We hope you would like to help with your insights and experiences. There are many types and stages of love addiction, and we are interested in hearing about any one of them.

      We will be in the US in November and December 2009.

      Learn more: http://www.loveaddictiondoc.com

      Write us: loveaddiction@danishdocumentary.com

      Warm regards

      Elvira (research) and Pernille Rose (director)

  • midlifelove 3:15 am on June 20, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    Why is love addictive? 

    love-addiction copy

    Brain imaging has confirmed what lovers have long-known. The crazy fixation we call romantic love is an addiction. . . maybe that’s why the Greeks called romantic love “the madness of the gods.”

    Anyone who has ever been in the clutches of irrational infatuation knows the symptoms. Seemingly inexhaustible energy allows you to talk until dawn.  Satiated with love, you don’t need to eat; you feel you can live on air. Elated when things are going well, you sink into despair when things look like collapsing.

    Noticeably there is a real dependence on the relationship, says Dr Helen Fisher, an expert on romantic love whose books including Why We Love trace the physical and psychological dependence of this primary human drive.

    And dependence it is. Brain scans of love-stricken couples compared with men and women injected with cocaine, show many of the same brain regions become active.  So how does this happen?

    Three Classic Symptoms

    Directly or indirectly, all “drugs of abuse” affect a single pathway in the brain, the reward centres activated by dopamine. Romantic love stimulates parts of the same pathway with the same chemical.

    In response to dopamine, the bewitched lover shows three classic symptoms of addiction: tolerance, withdrawal and relapse.

    Tolerance: At first you’re happy to see loved one now and then… but very quickly you need them more and more until you “can’t live without them.”

    Withdrawal: Dropped by your lover? The rejected one shows all the classic signs of drug withdrawal – depression, crying, anxiety, insomnia, loss or appetite or binge eating, irritability and chronic loneliness. You’ll also go to humiliating lengths to “procure a fix” – to see your lover, and try and renew the relationship.

    Relapse: Long after the affair is over, hearing a particular song, or revisiting an old haunt can trigger the craving and initiate compulsive calling or writing to get another “high”. The lover is “a slave of passion.” Or rather – a slave to dopamine.

    The Dopamine High

    Dopamine. It’s at the core of our sexual drives and survival needs, and it motivates us to do just about everything. This mechanism within the reward circuitry of the primitive brain has been around for millions of years.

    It’s behind a lot of the desire we associate with eating and sexual intercourse. Similarly, all addictive drugs trigger dopamine (the “craving neurochemical”) to stimulate the pleasure/reward circuitry. So do gambling, shopping, overeating, sexual climax and other, seemingly unrelated, activities. They all work somewhat differently on the brain, but all raise your dopamine.

    You get a bigger blast of dopamine eating high-calorie, high-fat foods than eating low-calorie vegetables. You may believe that you love ice cream, but you really love your blast of dopamine. You’re genetically programmed to seek out high-calorie foods over others. Similarly, dopamine drives you to have sex over most other activities.

    Boost Sexual Health

    Many of the hormones involved in sex and love – including dopamine, serotonin and testosterone – are susceptible to stress or aging. They can be boosted by eating the right foods – including cottage cheese, chicken, dark chocolate, yoghurt, eggs, and oats, or by herbal and nutritional supplements like Herbal Ignite.

  • midlifelove 5:06 am on June 17, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , birth control pill, concordia university, drugs, humans, imcompatible partners, jim pfaus, , montreal, noses, odors, , sexes, sexual chemistry, time, unconscious   

    Smelling Good and Bad Love 

    smelling good love copy

    When it comes to discerning a new hot love, we should trust our noses. That’s the message from new research which shows that amongst the 10,000 different odours we humans can smell, the one that might be most critical to our future is the unconscious one of sniffing out a compatible mate.

    Scent not only tells males which females are primed to conceive, but it also lets both sexes sense compatible and incompatible partners.

    That’s because scientists are discovering smell helps attract us to partners whose MHC complex (part of a constellation of genes that control the immune system) is most different to our own, increasing our chances of good sexual chemistry and successful reproduction.

    Varied MHC receptors not only increase our ability to fight infection, but MHC is also involved in tissue rejection. Conceive a child with a person whose MHC is too similar to your own, and the risk increases that the womb will expel the fetus. Find a partner with sufficiently different MHC, and you’re likelier to carry a baby to term.

    The T shirt test

    Studies show that laboratory mice can smell too-similar MHC in the urine of other mice and will avoid mating with those individuals. In research at the University of Bern in Switzerland, human females were asked to smell T shirts worn by anonymous males and then pick which ones appealed to them.

    Time and again, they chose the ones worn by men with a safely different MHC – except for women who were on the birth control pill. The Pill – which chemically simulates pregnancy – – throws women off the MHC scent, vastly increasing the chances of choosing a “Bad Love” partner. When women discontinue the daily hormone dose, the protective smell mechanism kicks back in.

    Risking bad love

    Another hormone to mask our ability to detect incompatible MHC is adrenaline. Any overwhelming emotional experience that ratchets up your sensory system can distort your perceptions, persuading you to take a chance on someone you should avoid.

    Research shows that people who meet during a crisis–an emergency landing of their airplane, say–may be much more inclined to believe they’ve found the person meant for them.

    If that sounds a lot like what happens when people meet and date under the regular influence of drugs or alcohol, only to sober up later and wonder what in the world they were thinking, that’s because in both cases powerful chemistry is running the show. When hormones and natural opioids get activated, psychologist and sex researcher Jim Pfaus of Concordia University in Montreal told Time magazine, you start drawing connections to the person who was present when those good feelings were created. “You think someone made you feel good,” Pfaus says, “but really it’s your brain that made you feel good.”

  • midlifelove 5:22 am on June 14, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: albert eintein, , chemical, , , endeavours, , linked, love wins, lucy brown, , move, mri, prairie voles, pursuit, , , , ,   

    Is Love More Powerful than Sex? 

    Sex and romance may seem inextricably linked, but the human brain clearly distinguishes between the two, according to a new study. The upshot: Love is the more powerful emotion.

    The results of brain scans speak to longstanding questions of whether the pursuit of love and sex are different emotional endeavours or whether romance is just warmed over sexual arousal.

    “Our findings show that the brain areas activated when someone looks at a photo of their beloved only partially overlap with the brain regions associated with sexual arousal,” said Arthur Aron of the State University of New York-Stony Brook. “Sex and romantic love involve quite different brain systems.”

    Left side, right side

    The study was small, however, involving 17 young men and women, all of whom had recently fallen madly in love. They filled out questionnaires while their brains were hooked up to a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) system.

    Romance seems to steep in parts of the brain that are rich in dopamine, a chemical known to affect emotions. These brain regions are also linked by other studies to the motivation for rewards.

    “To our surprise, the activation regions associated with intense romantic love were mostly on the right side of the brain, while the activation regions associated with facial attractiveness were mostly on the left,” said Lucy Brown of the Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

    The study also revealed that as a romance matures, so does the mind.

    “We found several brain areas where the strength of neural activity changed with the length of the romance,” Brown said. “Everyone knows that relationships are dynamic over time, but we are beginning to track what happens in the brain as a love relationship matures.”


    Love wins

    The processing of romantic feelings involves a “constellation of neural systems.” The researchers — neuroscientists, anthropologists and social psychologists — declare love the clear winner versus sex in terms of its power over the human mind.

    “Romantic love is one of the most powerful of all human experiences,” said study member Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University. “It is definitely more powerful than the sex drive.”

    Animals, too

    There are hints in the study that romance is not a uniquely human trait.

    Some of the changes seen with mature romances were in regions of the brain also associated with pair-bonding in prairie voles. Other studies have found that expressions of attraction in a female prairie vole are linked to a 50 percent hike in dopamine activity in the brain region that corresponds to the location where human romance is processed.

  • midlifelove 4:40 am on June 11, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: attract, compatiblity, DNA, fertile, , immune, infections, , new mexico, oddor, offspring, opposities, randy thornhill, relationship quizzes, romantic, sexual compatiblity, sexual encounters, university of mexico   

    Opposites Attract 

    opposites attract copyRelationship quizzes in magazines are fun, but a test for genetic compatibility might be the better way to see if your wife or girlfriend will cheat on you.

    When it comes to choosing a mate, opposites really do attract, according to new research that shows people are subconsciously more likely to choose a partner whose genetic make-up is different to their own.

    A Brazilian study presented at a conference in Europe in June has found evidence that married couples are more likely to have genetic differences in a DNA region governing the immune system than were randomly matched pairs.

    The study backs up other research done at the University of New Mexico which found genetic differences could possibly explain romantic chemistry and even whether woman was likely to be unfaithful. Couples in which the individuals had dissimilar versions of so-called MHC genes had the greatest sexual compatibility.

    More robust babies

    Scientists believe genetic difference gives couples a better chance of healthy reproduction, because with greater variations the immune system can recognise a broader range of foreign (or invader) cells, making the offspring more able to ward off infections.

    Scientists say it was not clear what signals attract the body to people who are genetically different.

    Previous studies have suggested animals may use body odor as a guide to identify possible mates as being genetically similar or dissimilar, but other physical factors like facial symmetry may also be involved.

    Similarity a sexual turn off

    The University of Mexico study found the attraction between opposites was strongest when women were most fertile. “As the [MHC] similarity increases, women are more turned off toward the guy sexually and more likely to be fantasizing about other men, specifically when she’s at the fertile point in her cycle,” said study team member Randy Thornhill, a biologist at the University of New Mexico.

    Not only did they fantasize, but women in similar-MHC relationships reported more sexual encounters outside with other men.

  • midlifelove 12:22 am on June 8, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: amphetamine, attraction amphetamine, biochemical, crumbling marriage, , divorse, dopomine, fizz, hormone cycle, hottest love cools, kate winslet, leonardo dicaprio, marilyn monroe, mature love, neuro chemicals, , oxytocin, PEA, phenyl ethylamine, revolutionary road, romantic passion, seven year itch, titanic   

    The Chemistry of Love 

    If Leonardo DiCaprio hadn’t sunk with the Titanic, there’s a good chance he and Kate Winslet would have ended up on Revolutionary Road. The misery of a crumbling marriage played out there shows what can follow when romantic passion fades.

    Wind the clock back 50 years and you’ve got a different take on the same human experience – the loss of  sexual attraction over time –  in yet another famous movie – Marilyn Monroe’s The Seven Year Itch. We’ve recognised for a long time it seems, that even the hottest love cools.

    Now science is explaining how the chemistry of love – a very special cascade of neurochemicals – produces the mad, dizzy, magical experience we call “falling in love”.  Even more eerily, it also points to why the “Seven Year Itch” is not just a figment of a movie producer’s imagination, but a very real hormonal cycle.

    The Attraction Amphetamine

    loveThe key to the hormonal flood that creates romantic love is actually an amphetamine-like substance (also found in chocolate) called PEA – short for phenyl-ethylamine. Along with dopamine and norepinephrine and the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin it produces a rich cocktail designed to bond a couple strongly enough to conceive and rear a child.

    The thing about PEA is that like adrenaline, the body cannot continue to pump it out forever. Firstly, the body builds up a tolerance to it and it takes more to get the same effect. Then after about three years the body’s ability to produce PEA wears down.

    Scientists believe the biochemical high is designed for love to last four or five years, just long enough to get a child safely through infancy.

    Divorce Peaks After Four Years

    Social scientists have found a surprising concurrence in patterns over diverse communities. One survey of 62 cultures found divorce peaked after the fourth year of marriage.

    If a second child is born, the relationship will last another few years but after seven years, for most couples the cascade has become a trickle  … to be replaced in many relationships by a an inexhaustible supply of brain endorphins that support a more tranquil and secure love.

    We say most couples because latest research from brain imaging shows some couples do appear to maintain romantic attraction for longer periods.

    Even for those who don’t, there are compensations. Perhaps the PEA “fizz” is gone, but scientists say the chemicals of enduring love can be more intimate and sustaining – more pleasurable in a different way.

    As long as the cherished partner is near, the body has an infinite capacity to produce these chemicals of “mature love”. But the death of a partner terminates their production and partly explains why the bereaved partner feels horribly “at a loss”.

    Drive declines with age

    Many of the hormones involved in sex and love – including dopamine, serotonin and testosterone – decline with age. They can be boosted by eating the right foods – including cottage cheese, chicken, dark chocolate, yoghurt, eggs, and oats, or by herbal and nutritional supplements like Herbal Ignite.

  • midlifelove 3:05 am on June 4, 2009 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , intimacy, libido loss, , patricia love, , , , sexual issues, sexual needs, wedding promise   

    Warm Love, Cold Sex 

    When Love is Warm but Sex is Cold

    You still love each other, but you just don’t want to “do it” any more. “Till death us do part” may be the  age-old wedding-day promise, but the sad reality is that within four years of couples setting up house together, more than half will be dealing with the ‘death’ of their active sex lives.

    Once the “hormone high” of romantic love has helped a couple to bond, it’s often a slow fade according to new research showing secure relationships kill off a woman’s sex drive, with even young women affected by libido loss.

    Women who were ‘hot to trot’ when love was new – with 60% wanting sex “often” – were decidedly lukewarm four years on, with less than half of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex.

    After 20 years, interest in regular sex had plummeted further, with only 20% of 50-year-old women interested. Their men, in contrast, remained at a constant simmer, with 60 to 80% wanting regular sex over the same time period.

    It’s a sexual disconnect that can lead to recriminations and rejection. He feels he’s been “tricked” by a woman who seemed to want him and then went cold. She thinks he worked at turning her on until he had “caught” her and now he doesn’t bother about her needs any more.

    Both start looking for alternatives, and soon the romantic merry-go-round begins all over again. The great news is, it doesn’t have to be like that. A cold bed isn’t the inevitable outcome.

    Sex therapists like Bettina Arndt (The Sex Diaries, 2009) and love educator Dr Patricia Love (The Truth About Love, Simon and Schuster, 2001) advocate a range of strategies for keeping love alive once the hot glow of hormone heaven has cooled.

    sexy legs

    1) Just do It

    It’s unfair to be in a relationship and not engage in sexual activity, if that’s what your partner wants, Dr. Love says. “To say ‘I won’t be sexual with you, and you’d better not go get it somewhere else either’ is a non-relational way of addressing sexual issues”.

    Say “Yes” more often, says Bettina: “Once the canoe is in the water, everyone starts happily paddling. For couples to experience regular, pleasurable sex and sustain loving relationships women must get over that ideological roadblock of assumptions about desire and ‘just do it’. The result will be both men and women will enjoy more, better sex.”

    2) Make Sex a Priority

    Don’t leave a love date to chance. Agree to find a regular time for  intimacy and it will take the pressure off the rest of your time together.

    3) Understand low desire is often no reflection on your relationship.

    Both men’s and women’s sex drives have normal highs and lows. It is natural for relationships to pass through predictable “ups and downs”, which many couples mistake for “the end of love”. Persevere and choose to discover more about your own needs and those of your partner.

    4) Communicate your sexual needs

    It’s not reasonable to expect your partner to automatically know what will turn you on, or how you are feeling. Make a pact to listen to one another, and be brave enough to be open and honest.

    5) Accept the differences between you and your partner.

    There’s an old quip: “Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.” Partners often think their marriage would be great if only the other person would change. But often they are just attempting to close the gap on the inherent differences that define each person- differences that were not obvious or that they overlooked early in the relationship when “love was blind” – or veiled by hormones. Such futile efforts (trying to change the unchangeable) merely work to build resentments and break apart intimacy.

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