Tip No 1 for Attracting Love

1) Do new, exciting, slightly risky  things together

Visit a foreign city, walk a challenging mountain trail, go white water rafting, swim after dark, buy last minute tickets to a sports event or theatre show…. Any new activity, but particularly risky or dangerous ones, prompts spontaneous attraction by stimulating adrenaline (closely related to dopamine and norepinephrine).

“Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder,” says psychologist Art Aron.

Several studies show couples who do exciting things together feel more satisfaction in their relationship.  But it appears sharing an exciting activity can also stimulate romantic love.

In a typical study, 28 dating and married couples were asked to fill our various questionnaires, then do an activity together, them fill out more questionnaires. One activity was exciting, the other dull.

Questionnaire responses showed those who did the exciting activity experienced increased feelings of relationship satisfaction, and more intense feelings of romantic love.

Danger Heightens Response

We’ve probably all known friends who have found a new love during an extreme experience – being brought together in seemingly random circumstances through unusual or tragic circumstances.

The “love matches” birthed during New Orleans’ Hurricane Katrina are the perfect example of circumstances where responses are heightened by the brain chemicals of adrenaline and dopamine produced  in response to the danger.

The so-called “creaky bridge” experiment – which involved getting men to walk across either a steady, broad low bridge or a flimsy high suspension one above boulders and rapids – confirmed the idea that sharing exciting experiences can enhance feelings of attraction.

The two walking bridges span the Capilano Canyon in North Vancouver; In the middle of each bridge stood the same beautiful young woman (part of the research team) who asked each passing man to fill out a questionnaire. After each man completed the survey, she casually told him that if he had any further questions about the study he should call her at home. She gave each her telephone number. No one knew the woman was part of the experiment.

Nine out of thirty-two men who walked the narrow, wobbly high bridge were attracted enough to call the woman at home, while only two of those who met her on the low safe bridge contacted her.

Psychologists Donald Dutton and Art Aron concluded that the novelty of the situation – being on a high scary bridge – elevated levels of dopamine, the hormone of pleasurable attraction/addiction.

Boost Sexual Health

Many of the hormones involved in sex and love – including dopamine, serotonin and testosterone – are susceptible to stress or aging. They can be boosted by eating the right foods – including cottage cheese, chicken, dark chocolate, yoghurt, eggs, and oats, or by herbal and nutritional supplements like Herbal Ignite.

The Laws of Attraction

You’ve met a cute guy speed dating and you want to see more of him.

You’ve a great friend who is in love with you but you just don’t reciprocate the feeling – and it would be perfect if you did.

Can you jump start romance when you aren’t feeling any chemistry in the first few meetings?

Can you prompt someone to be attracted to you by your behaviour?

Luckily the last few decades of research into the science of sexual attraction has given lots of clues about how to get noticed by the man or woman of your desire – and how to turn up the temperature gauge on a slow-to-ignite relationship.

‘Tricking’ the Brain Into Love

It seems you can “trick” the brain into falling in love, by following guidelines discovered from research into the science of attraction.

There’s good scientific reasons why the “candlelit dinner” is so conducive to romance for example.

It seems the key component of “bedroom eyes” – the look of desire – is enlarged pupils, a crucial element we respond to subconsciously.

And while you can’t consciously control your pupils (one reason why people say the eyes don’t lie), you can create the right conditions to inspire large pupils and get the effect.

Why Candlelight Fosters Romance

First, reduce light. Our pupils expand when they’re robbed of it, one reason why candlelight and dimmer switches are de rigueur in romantic restaurants.

It’s not just the softening of light that makes our faces appear more attractive, larger pupils also help.

Scientists showed two sets of pictures of a woman’s face to men. The photograph was identical, except for one thing; the pupils in one set had been doctored to make them larger. When shown the doctored photograph, men judged the woman as twice more attractive than when shown the real photo. It was repeated with a man’s face and tested on women and gave the same result.

Our pupils also enlarge when we look at something we like. Again, this can be proved using pictures.

This time, researchers snuck a picture of a naked woman into a pile of otherwise bland, commonplace photographs then watched men’s pupil size when they flicked through them. Without exception, the men’s pupils expanded on cue.

This means if you’re attracted to someone a lot, your pupils are probably already big, black holes. All good. To ensure this is happening or to up the effect of your bedroom eyes, focus on the part of the person you like the most. (On second thought, better make it the next best thing.)

Triggering ‘Love Chemicals’

Psychologists have discovered a range of behaviours that stimulate the production of “love chemicals” like dopamine and PEA – the chemicals which give us all the symptoms of love – sweaty palms, racing heart beat, and butterflies in the stomach.

How to respond to approaches, the best “aphrodisiac” colour to wear, whether being readily available or playing hard to get works best – they’ve all been studied by behavioural scientists to find out what attracts and what repels in romance.

Dealing with Low Libido

Herbal supplements like Herbal Ignite have helped tens of thousands of couples to spice up their relationships. Find out more about Herbal Ignite here.

I would rather eat chocolate!!

You’re married or in a long term relationship, enjoying mutually satisfying intimate relations.  When you and your partner are together do you “make love” or are you “having sex”? Do you care what you call it?

Author Joan Sewell does.  In her witty personal memoir I’d Rather Eat Chocolate (Broadway Books New York) in which she devotes 200 pages to justifying her low libido, she reckons “making love” is a term used to pressure women to have “unwanted sex” with their husbands. It’s a term used to “convince women that what they are doing each and every time they have sex is a loving thing for him…

‘Good Book’ Better Than Sex

What “started out as a polite euphemism for having sex” is now taken literally, she says.  “And I am not convinced that sex is primarily, or even usually, an expression of love.”

Joan claims a lot of women experience the same disinterest she does in having sex. “If I had a choice between reading a good book and having sex, the book wins. My boyfriend – the man I would eventually marry – would take even bad sex over a good book.”

As for “making love” – well she says the term “went out of style in the 60s and 70s when how-to-sex books favoured a more straightforward rendering of sexuality.”

Guilt Trip for Low Libido Women

Now she says the “pro-family traditionalists have sided with the skin peddlers and feminists hoping to tug my sexuality in a more lustful direction to sell their products, save my marriage or make their point.

“The sexperts would have us assume that after men get into a committed relationship, sex undergoes a magical transformation in men’s minds, from a drive that causes them to pant after women in bars and nightclubs looking to get laid, into a beautiful expression of emotional regard.

“But if men did think of sex as love, we wouldn’t have to worry about men getting bored sexually in marriage. Can a man get tired of expressing love for his dear wife?”

Noone could accuse Joan of not being willing to try hard at being sexy for Kip, her patient spouse.

What Joan and Her Husband Tried That Didn’t Work

• Sex therapy.
• Giving sex as a gift.
• Thinking of sex as a spiritual act.
• Thinking naughty thoughts.
• Simulating lust.
• Having quickies.
• Wearing sexy lingerie.
• Being spontaneous.
• Faking it.
• Trying for better orgasms.
• Having a platonic relationship.
• The results? “We went from  sex once a week, to once every two weeks, to less than once a month and less . . .

What Finally Worked for Joan and Her Husband

• Giving her total control over their sex life.
• Not worrying about orgasms.
• Agreeing to stop when she wanted.
• Scheduled regular date nights.
• Honest communication about their sexual desires.
• Joan: “Having a positive attitude toward sex was key to my success… I mean that when sex was no longer a chore, I could approach it positively, without dread. . . It was very freeing and very fun.”

Herbs for Low Libido

Tribulus Terrestris.

Tribulus terrestris supports sex drive, ovulation and sexual reproduction functions through supporting healthy levels of Follicle Stimulating Hormone.

Epimedium

In recent studies, a daily dose of Horny Goat Weed helped by supporting blood circulation to the sex organs
•    Women benefit from the increased blood flow to sexual organs – assisting orgasm.
•    Epimedium also seems to heighten the sensitivity of nerve endings in the skin, which would also indirectly reinforce sexual stimulation.

Avena Sativa

Modern studies at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality have shown that avena sativa aids sexual arousal.

Herbal Ignite (www.herbalignite.com)

Herbal Ignite contains a unique formulation of the above mentioned herbs. Herbal Ignite’s special formula has helped many women and men with sexual arousal and an improved sense of well being with minimal unwanted side effects. You can discover the benefits of Herbal Ignite for a normal sex life.

Breaking Love Addiction

He – or she – is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night. He’s – or she’s – your lover, your soul mate. You can read each other’s minds.  You are just meant for each other. It’s uncanny – almost a spiritual thing.

That’s what you thought until little cracks started appearing in your dream of ‘together forever’. When he or she decided they weren’t that into you anymore and they departed, taking your heart/world/future with them.

The ‘love of your life’ has walked out and you’re about to discover the dark side of romantic love. Of being devoured by unsatisfied desire – for as Plato said 2000 years ago “The God of Love lives in a state of need.”

Love Like Cocaine

That need is a dopamine-fuelled ‘high’ which brain imaging shows activates the reward/pleasure centres in the brain in ways very similar to cocaine and heroin.

And that’s the first important key to getting over love sickness, says Dr Helen Fisher, an expert on romantic love. Understand it is an addiction and some of the principles of the addiction counselling – like 12 Step programs – are helpful in getting over it.

Romantic love is associated with high levels of dopamine and probably also norepinephrine – brain substances that drive down serotonin.  And low levels of serotonin are associated with despair, and even suicide.

If nothing else, hankering after “what-might-have-been” can waste years of your life. It also kills some people. When a love affair turns sour, the human brain is set up for depression, and perhaps, self annihilation… The Japanese even glorified “love suicide” as evidence of one’s devotion.

Tricky Thinking

The idea, says Dr Fisher, is to ‘trick your brain’ into producing dopamine in response to new stimuli.

Despair from unrequited love will most likely also mean plummeting dopamine levels.  As you focus your attention and do novel things, you elevate this feel-good substance, boosting energy and hope. We can also utilise new research on brain functioning which shows we are wired to integrate thoughts and feelings. We can in other words, control our drive to love.

Woody Allen (in Sleepers) quipped “My brain? It’s my second favourite organ” – and he isn’t alone.  In this “golden age of the brain” neuroscientists are gaining increased understanding of our decision-making processes – and what they are learning can help us take control of our thoughts and feelings. We are wired so we can choose to think before we act (the high road) or we can allow our emotions to dictate our actions (the low road).

The love addiction can be conquered. It takes determination, time and some understanding of brain function and human nature. Says Dr Fisher:  “Someone is camping in your brain; you must throw the scoundrel out.”

Foods to beat love addiction

Many of the neurochemicals involved in sex and love – including dopamine, serotonin and testosterone – are affected by the stress of  severe loss. Divorce can add ten years to a man’s testosterone levels in just a few months. The good news is, the ‘chemicals of love’ can be boosted by eating the right foods – including cottage cheese, chicken, dark chocolate, yoghurt, eggs, and oats, or by herbal and nutritional supplements like Herbal Ignite. Visit http://www.herbalignite.com to find out more about.

Why is love addictive?

Brain imaging has confirmed what lovers have long-known. The crazy fixation we call romantic love is an addiction. . . maybe that’s why the Greeks called romantic love “the madness of the gods.”

Anyone who has ever been in the clutches of irrational infatuation knows the symptoms. Seemingly inexhaustible energy allows you to talk until dawn.  Satiated with love, you don’t need to eat; you feel you can live on air. Elated when things are going well, you sink into despair when things look like collapsing.

Noticeably there is a real dependence on the relationship, says Dr Helen Fisher, an expert on romantic love whose books including Why We Love trace the physical and psychological dependence of this primary human drive.

And dependence it is. Brain scans of love-stricken couples compared with men and women injected with cocaine, show many of the same brain regions become active.  So how does this happen?

Three Classic Symptoms

Directly or indirectly, all “drugs of abuse” affect a single pathway in the brain, the reward centres activated by dopamine. Romantic love stimulates parts of the same pathway with the same chemical.

In response to dopamine, the bewitched lover shows three classic symptoms of addiction: tolerance, withdrawal and relapse.

Tolerance: At first you’re happy to see loved one now and then… but very quickly you need them more and more until you “can’t live without them.”

Withdrawal: Dropped by your lover? The rejected one shows all the classic signs of drug withdrawal – depression, crying, anxiety, insomnia, loss or appetite or binge eating, irritability and chronic loneliness. You’ll also go to humiliating lengths to “procure a fix” – to see your lover, and try and renew the relationship.

Relapse: Long after the affair is over, hearing a particular song, or revisiting an old haunt can trigger the craving and initiate compulsive calling or writing to get another “high”. The lover is “a slave of passion.” Or rather – a slave to dopamine.

The Dopamine High

Dopamine. It’s at the core of our sexual drives and survival needs, and it motivates us to do just about everything. This mechanism within the reward circuitry of the primitive brain has been around for millions of years.

It’s behind a lot of the desire we associate with eating and sexual intercourse. Similarly, all addictive drugs trigger dopamine (the “craving neurochemical”) to stimulate the pleasure/reward circuitry. So do gambling, shopping, overeating, sexual climax and other, seemingly unrelated, activities. They all work somewhat differently on the brain, but all raise your dopamine.

You get a bigger blast of dopamine eating high-calorie, high-fat foods than eating low-calorie vegetables. You may believe that you love ice cream, but you really love your blast of dopamine. You’re genetically programmed to seek out high-calorie foods over others. Similarly, dopamine drives you to have sex over most other activities.

Boost Sexual Health

Many of the hormones involved in sex and love – including dopamine, serotonin and testosterone – are susceptible to stress or aging. They can be boosted by eating the right foods – including cottage cheese, chicken, dark chocolate, yoghurt, eggs, and oats, or by herbal and nutritional supplements like Herbal Ignite.

Warm Love, Cold Sex

When Love is Warm but Sex is Cold

You still love each other, but you just don’t want to “do it” any more. “Till death us do part” may be the  age-old wedding-day promise, but the sad reality is that within four years of couples setting up house together, more than half will be dealing with the ‘death’ of their active sex lives.

Once the “hormone high” of romantic love has helped a couple to bond, it’s often a slow fade according to new research showing secure relationships kill off a woman’s sex drive, with even young women affected by libido loss.

Women who were ‘hot to trot’ when love was new – with 60% wanting sex “often” – were decidedly lukewarm four years on, with less than half of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex.

After 20 years, interest in regular sex had plummeted further, with only 20% of 50-year-old women interested. Their men, in contrast, remained at a constant simmer, with 60 to 80% wanting regular sex over the same time period.

It’s a sexual disconnect that can lead to recriminations and rejection. He feels he’s been “tricked” by a woman who seemed to want him and then went cold. She thinks he worked at turning her on until he had “caught” her and now he doesn’t bother about her needs any more.

Both start looking for alternatives, and soon the romantic merry-go-round begins all over again. The great news is, it doesn’t have to be like that. A cold bed isn’t the inevitable outcome.

Sex therapists like Bettina Arndt (The Sex Diaries, 2009) and love educator Dr Patricia Love (The Truth About Love, Simon and Schuster, 2001) advocate a range of strategies for keeping love alive once the hot glow of hormone heaven has cooled.

1) Just do It

It’s unfair to be in a relationship and not engage in sexual activity, if that’s what your partner wants, Dr. Love says. “To say ‘I won’t be sexual with you, and you’d better not go get it somewhere else either’ is a non-relational way of addressing sexual issues”.

Say “Yes” more often, says Bettina: “Once the canoe is in the water, everyone starts happily paddling. For couples to experience regular, pleasurable sex and sustain loving relationships women must get over that ideological roadblock of assumptions about desire and ‘just do it’. The result will be both men and women will enjoy more, better sex.”

2) Make Sex a Priority

Don’t leave a love date to chance. Agree to find a regular time for  intimacy and it will take the pressure off the rest of your time together.

3) Understand low desire is often no reflection on your relationship.

Both men’s and women’s sex drives have normal highs and lows. It is natural for relationships to pass through predictable “ups and downs”, which many couples mistake for “the end of love”. Persevere and choose to discover more about your own needs and those of your partner.

4) Communicate your sexual needs

It’s not reasonable to expect your partner to automatically know what will turn you on, or how you are feeling. Make a pact to listen to one another, and be brave enough to be open and honest.

5) Accept the differences between you and your partner.

There’s an old quip: “Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.” Partners often think their marriage would be great if only the other person would change. But often they are just attempting to close the gap on the inherent differences that define each person- differences that were not obvious or that they overlooked early in the relationship when “love was blind” – or veiled by hormones. Such futile efforts (trying to change the unchangeable) merely work to build resentments and break apart intimacy.

Men’s Sex Secrets Revealed

A flood of New Zealand men have contacted Australian sex researcher Bettina Arendt eager to talk about their sex lives following publicity of her latest book The Sex Diaries, based on the sex diaries of 98 couples written over six to nine months.

The intimate personal records uncovered a problem one man described as “one of society’s best kept secrets” – the reluctance of many married women to engage in regular sex with their partners.

Now Bettina plans to take her research to a deeper level for her next book, Male Sex Diaries, and she is looking for men willing to take part in her research.

Time to Ask – What Do Men Want?

Men wanting to share their personal experience on a whole range of topics – from ‘What men look for in a lover’ ; ‘Are women hard to please?’ ; ‘Ripped off by the impotence industry?’ ; and ‘Using pornography and what women feel about it’ are encouraged to get in touch with Bettina Arndt through her website http://www.bettinaarndt.com.au

The author’s sympathy with male frustration and her suggestion that women adopt more of a “just do it” attitude to sex has angered some women’s groups, but Bettina is unrepentant.

“I find it outrageous we have reached the state of affairs where women think it’s OK for men to just put up with having no sex or intermittent sex,” she says. “Many women seem able to conclude sex is an optional extra in the relationship.”

Say ‘Yes’ More Often

The problem is that many women seem biologically programmed to lose interest in sex a few years into a relationship, says Bettina Arndt.  “Research in Germany showed that four years into a relationship fewer than half of 30-year-old women wanted steady regular sex.

“It simply hasn’t worked to have a couple’s sex life hinge on the fragile female libido. The right to say “no” needs to give way to the right to say “yes” more often – provided both men and women end up enjoying the experience.”

Research by Professor Rosemary Basson from British Columbia has shown many people can experience arousal and orgasm without prior desire, she says. Provided there’s a willingness to be receptive, the rest follows.

More and Better Sex

“Once the canoe is in the water, everyone starts happily paddling. For couples to experience regular, pleasurable sex and sustain loving relationships women must get over that ideological roadblock of assumptions about desire and ”just do it”. The result will be both men and women will enjoy more, better sex.

The Sex Diaries argues that 50 years of feminism has led women to think that if they don’t feel desire, there’s no need to have sex. The right to say ‘no’ is one of the outstanding achievements of feminism, the book suggests.

Battle of the Sexes Power Shift

‘‘The control of the sex supply nicely demonstrates the shift in the past 40 years between men and women,” says Bettina Arndt. “Before, women had to tolerate sex because they had no choice if the men wanted it. Then along came the ’60s, the women’s movement, economic independence and the notion that women were entitled to happiness.

“So now it is men who are more emotionally dependent on their relationships . . . choosing to bite their tongues. Men are very conscious that the woman might leave if they put too much pressure on her.’’

No Sex No Laughing Matter

Men really welcomed the opportunity to express their feelings about this in the sex diaries, she says.

“Men might tell jokes about sexually deprived husbands, but talk to them privately and they aren’t laughing. Many feel duped, disappointed, in despair at finding themselves spending their lives begging for sex from their loved partners. They are stunned they find their needs so totally ignored.”

In some cases, keeping the diaries helped couples open up communication on what had become a tense topic, says Bettina.

Low Libido Answers

Not all women suffer from low libido.  Some women – dubbed “juicy tomatoes” by Bettina Arndt – maintain a high sex drive within secure relationships.  And for those who do experience a fall in sexual interest, “just putting up with it” is not the only solution. Herbal supplements like Herbal Ignite http://www.herbalignite.com help increase sexual interest and desire in men and women in a natural, non-invasive way. Herbal Ignite also contains at herbal anti stress component to help reduce anxiety around “the sex question”.

The Secret of Kissing

Kisses That Turn Her OnThe chemistry of romance just gained a new dimension, with revelations that a previously unknown ingredient in salvia increases sex drive. The impact of a first kiss can be life or death to a love affair, but now scientists investigating the biochemistry of kisses say that hormones exchanged during passionate kisses can stimulate sexual attraction.

New findings show saliva in the kiss contains testosterone, so the open–mouthed wet kisses preferred by men may be an unconscious attempt to transfer testosterone and turn the woman on. Don’t make it too sloppy though, or you’ll turn her off.

The exchange of hormones in a kiss may also allow males to assess women’s fertility and estrogen cycle, scientists argue. More than 90 per cent of human societies exchange kisses, but the full story of the hormones exchanged in a simple kiss is still to be told.

Scientists say kissing is a way of assessing our potential mates. They are finding that all kinds of chemical systems are in play in courtship. One study found that 66 percent of women and 59 percent of men say that the quality of the first kiss can kill a relationship.

Recession Hits Romance

Recession puts a dampner on romance, according to a survey which shows couples are sharing a whole lot less loving because of financial worries. A quarter of women and a fifth of the men surveyed by sexual lubricant company K-Y Brand reported the economic downturn was having a detrimental effect on their relationship.

However, the good news for romantics was that most men wanted to make things right, with more than three-quarters of them saying, despite tougher times, they would not be cutting back on Valentine’s Day spending.

The sexes put a different priority on physical intimacy in a relationship. More than a quarter of men said more intimacy was the “thing they wanted most” for Valentine’s Day, while women wanted chocolate and flowers more.

More than a quarter of men (27 per cent) said the thing they want most for Valentine’s Day was more intimacy, followed by a card (25 per cent) and chocolates and flowers (20 per cent).

For women, “greater intimacy” came in second to chocolates and flowers (26 per cent) and equal to a card (13 per cent).

Relationship counselors report even before the world downturn, money worries were the biggest single factor in relationship problems.